God Grief

On January 21, 2018, the world lost the most infuriating, maddening, beautiful, wonderful, full of life woman that I've ever had the pleasure and displeasure of having in my life.  For as much as my mother nagged and harped at me regarding my life choices, she also taught me so much about the life I have been living.  The issue is in the aftermath of her death.  I've come to learn who among those closest to me truly know me and who doesn't.  

In order to get the gist of my last sentence we need to first list all the default/cliche things people say to someone in their time of mourning.  

Friends: "It'll be alright."
Me:  No it is not alright and at this moment right now, I feel like it will never be alright

Friends: "It will get better over time."
Me:  I certainly don't feel that way.  Nothing feels better and it will never get better for me. If you knew me you would know the type of relationship my mom and I had and that her death will never get better for me.

Friends:  "Stay Strong."
Me:  I don't want to be strong.  And yes I know I have babies to take care of but right now I don't feel strong nor do I want to be.  Trying to be strong when I feel weak does more harm to my babies than good.

Friends:  "Just remember that your mom is now watching over you."  
Me:  Yes I know this but I'd rather have her here

Also unless you've lost a parent, don't ever say you understand what they are going through.  You don't and won't until you are in their shoes.  And the last thing you ever want to tell someone is to trust in the lord.  Now I believe in God but I'm mad at him right now.  Would anyone truly trust someone they are mad at?

When someone we care about is dealing with a great loss, the best thing you can say is a simple "I'm sorry", "I'm here when you are ready to talk" or simple be honest by saying that you have no words.  That is the best one to say because quite frankly there are no words that will make things any easier or better.

Everyone deals with grief in their own way and for me I don't do the cliche comments mentioned above, so to hear those close to me that claim to know me so well use those phrases, hurts to my very core.  They are better off saying nothing at all.  In fact that's true for anyone you know dealing with loss.  

The Revamp

  Welcome one and all.  This is a revamp of The Deviant Mom.  For those who are new, glad you decided to stop on through!  For those who have been a follower since the very first post ever written(and then probably deleted at some point), this is your chance to finally get to know all of me.  For some reason turning 40 this year(August 16!) has motivated me to no longer hold back all of who I am.  I've only been prone to showing certain parts of me to certain people.  I call them my safe zone.  Those are the people that I know won't bullshit me and won't run screaming for the hills at what I reveal to them.  Now that I am getting wiser in my years, I'm realizing that I need to not care if anyone runs away and just be all of me to everyone.  Life is way to short and time is way to precious to not be who we are truly meant to be.  

I call myself a deviant mom because that's who I am.  I was once just a deviant then the role of mom was bestowed upon me after a midnight promise to God in which I was willing to accept whatever was slung my way to help me get out of a life situation that at one time put me at being the life of the party but had now somehow lost it's appeal on me.  What made me a deviant was the fact that I never let myself get labeled or placed inside the categorical boxes society expects us all to place each other in.  Even the outcasts didn't know what to do with me because though they tried their hardest to be different from everyone else, in doing so they failed to see that outcast was in fact a societal box that they willingly climbed into.  There I was either choosing to let various parts of me dangle  into each box or some days choosing to walk around the outside of the boxes.  There were also days in which the pressure of choosing one box created an anger so great in  me that I destroyed all the boxes chaining myself to the exact center of the room refusing to move in anyone direction.  The song that Cinderella sings in the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical version comes to mind "In my own little corner.  In my own little chair."  I am very much like that still.

This brings me to the mom aspect of being a deviant.  A friend once told me I was very real with my kids.  I don't know if he meant it as a compliment or just and observation but to me I thought "Why shouldn't I be?"  Now I admit my parents were bit too real with me but they were real and unlike their friends who thought they shouldn't be real with me at all, doing so staved off a lot of teenage situations that their friends ended up facing, such as teen pregnancy.  That is not to say I didn't face my share of teen trauma.  Believe me I did  but that is the result of being too real.  I'd like to think I am just real enough that my kids know I won't bullshit them on any thing.  That is why people ask me for the key to getting their teenagers to want to hang out with them, after hearing or witnessing how mine seem to have the inability to leave me the hell alone.  I speak to my children the way I speak to anyone, with truth.  It's one thing to tell white lies to ones children such as Santa and the Easter bunny being real, but you can't lie to them about who the world works.  I am big on calling it like I see it when it comes to my kids.  Take my 17 year old for example.  There are times where she can be a real cunty mcbitch fucker.  Yea I said it, she can be a real cunt.  And yes I have told her such.  Her initial reaction was disbelief that I called her such a name but there was also respect that I didn't sugar coat her behavior.  There was no calling her a grouchy or testy or even a cranky pants.  She was being a cunt so I called her one.  Just like a person out in the real world might.  I am the same way with my sons.  When my 13 year old is behaving like a douche canoe rolling down the shit river I'm gonna call him out on it.  Just as I will call out my 4 year old when he acts like I need to exorcise the demon of naughty from his body.

So now you have who I am in a nut shell.  I don't try to be perfect I just try to be true.